The Best of Friends, The story of Remus and Lily
by LolliBea
Summary: They were the best of friends, Begining to end, from love to loss. Lily's feelings, and Remus Trying to protect her, from Himself... Even if it means no happy endings PG13 plus
1. First Year: They met

**DISCLAIMER: I do not Own Anything! Exept this plot. The charictures the seetings and the odd stuff ALL belong to JK Rowling! bless her...**

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'The Best of Friends, The Story of Lily and Remus'

**Chapter 1- They met**

A small redheaded girl sat alone and nervous in a compartment near the end of the scarlet train, staring out the window. Everyone else was outside the train hugging parents goodbye, and meeting up with friends. Her father had insisted that she get on the train early to get a good compartment.

_5 minutes until the train left_, she checked her watch and resumed looking at the people outside. Someone opened the compartment door, lily jumped.

"May I join you?" the boy asked. He was, like her, a first year, with light brown hair and a pale face and sad grayish yellow eyes. Lily was far to nervous to speak, she just nodded. He sat across from her and moved his trunk in. Lily did not realize she was staring at the boy until he nervously introduced himself.

"Er, hello. I'm Remus" he held out his hand, she shook it. And replied so simple and gracefully;

"Lily."

"You a first year to?" he asked. She nodded, smiling at him warmly, because he to knew of the butterflies that took over her stomach earlier this morning. And trying to cheer him up because, by the look of it something else was wrong too. She sat back, The train began to move. She noticed two nearly identical girls with long dark blonde wavy hair, standing in the door way.

"Hello." lily said trying to be cheerful

"I'm Aurora" said the shorter curvy one with longer hair.

"And I'm Nymph" said the other energetically, they both had the same face and the same really light blue eyes.

"I'm lily" she said and motioned for them to sit. They obliged.

"Remus." Remus said holding out his hand politely. The girls didn't even notice him, he put it down.

"So are you first years too?"

"Um, yes" Two more girls showed up at the door.

"Aurora! Nymph!" said a very tan very blond very thin one, very excitedly. "We just saw the two cutest guys in the entire world!"

"- they're looking for a compartment! Come on!" said a shorter dark haired girl with black eyes and a warm smile.

"This is Em, " introduced Aurora the blond waved. "And ... May" the black haired one half-curtsied

"You should come by later, we're all first years, we'll be bunking together! If we get the same house that is."said nymph.

"Well, we should get back," they stood up, and all waved, and ran back to their compartment. "Come with!" May said, dragging behind. Lily shrugged.

"I'll be back, Remus ok?" he nodded. "You're in charge." he laughed quietly she waved and disappeared with the girls, two compartments down.

"So first year huh?" Em sighed.

"We can all be best friends" Nymph said excitedly. They all nodded "I think we'll be in Griffendor." she said to Aurora.

"Duh!" she replied.

"I think I'll be in ravenclaw" said May.

"I've read about the houses, I think I'll be in ravenclaw too." Lily said less nervous than before. They all nodded and chatted about houses. Then Remus appeared in the door way.

"Lily do you want anything of the cart?" he whispered to her.

"Oh guys this is my friend Remus!" he blushed. They all nodded, acknowledging his existence, but nothing more.

"What's the cart?"She leaned over and asked him quietly while all the girls chatted on.

"Come-on," he led her down the hall back to her compartment where a there was a plump witch with a trolley full of candy's she'd never heard of. Remus insisted she try some, so she bought a bit, and they sat back down

Two more boys arrived at the door, both with black hair, though one was messier than the others, and one was longer, and a bit more good looking. Although the other one wasn't ugly, on the contrary they were both quite handsome. The messy haired one looked at lily and rumpled his hair making it even worse.

"Can we join you mate?" the long haired one asked. Remus looked to lily, she nodded. "Thanks" they pulled their stuff in and sat down. "I'm Sirius by the way." he held out his hand

"Lily" she shook it.

"James Potter," the messy haired one said. Holding out his hand she shook it, but he pulled her up and close and winked over his no-wire glasses. "You can call me James." lily let out a sound of disgust and down next to Remus.

After a few moments of awkward silence and bits of dwindling conversation, lily pulled out a book, and with in a few moments had fallen into a light sleep. James and Sirius left after a few minutes to _'go find some action.'_

Remus felt something slowly lean onto his shoulder, it was lily, her hair had fallen over her eyes, and she looked soft and delicate, like a porcelain angel, he wiped her hair from her face.

"Hey!" James had just walked back in followed by Sirius. "Hands off! I claim that!"

"Excuse me?" Remus asked, throughly confused "you _claim her_? How so?"

"Well, I've just decided that, I want her." Remus tried to conceal his laughter.

"Yes really?"

"Yes! So hands off!" Remus just shook his head, and pulled out a book.

"I think what Jamesy here is Trying - and failing - to say, is that he likes that one," Sirius gestured to lily "more than the blonde who threw herself at him" he laughed. James rolled his eyes.

After a moment of chatter they left again, but only after James reminded Remus, a bit more politely, that if he would please, just try not to do anything too nice to her. Sirius just laughed at him, Remus put his arm around her to annoy James who just laughed at him and mumbled something about _never being able to get a girl like her._

About four chapters into his book, lily stirred, he lost interest in the book, and became fascinated with her face. She had soft rosy cheeks and her eyes looked beautiful, even closed. He became mesmerized with the sound of her breathing. Her eyes opened slowly, but he just couldn't make himself look away.

"Comfy?" he asked smiling, she realized she was laying on him and she sat up and mumbled an apology. Remus tried to slowly pull his arm off her so she wouldn't notice, but she did and blushed. She pulled up her book to hide her face and slid to the other side of the seat, but she couldn't read, her thoughts were elsewhere.

"So..." she said trying to make simple conversation. He laughed, making her look up from her book.

"Um, sorry 'bout the whole-" he lifted his arm in a loss for words "er... thing..."

"Oh, no really my fault!" she laughed "I shouldn't have laid on you."

"S'ok." he smiled. She felt a little more comfortable.

"What are you reading?"she asked closing her book.

"Oh, um the defense against the dark arts book for the year." he held it up. "What about you?"

"Oh, _hogwarts, a history_" she slid out of her corner "really fascinating..." she preceded to tell him about the school, he was a good listener. They talked until James came back in, he looked mad.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked.

"Oh I see you're awake," he eyed her "sleep well?" he shot Remus an evil look. She crossed her arms over her chest

"Yes, as a matter of fact," she leaned on Remus, he blushed. "I was very comfy." Remus looked away from James' loathing glare.

"I'm going to find _Mr. Lady's man_" James said getting up again, and walking out.

"Thanks" lily said sitting up again. They both burst out in laughter.

It was a while before Sirius came back but Jams returned soon, and pretended to read, while actually stealing glances at lily who continued to laugh and joke with Remus, until the train stopped and they all got off, running to boats in the rain, and rowing across the lake ...

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_A/N: Thank you for Reading I'll post Again soon, like3 days ok? good. This will be filled with nice LONG chapters though!_

Reveiws love and faster chapters!

_((Stephanie))_


	2. First Year: Friends, the best

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody or thing, just the plot. thank you

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Chapter 2-** Friends, the best**

"I can't believe they all left." lily said flipping though a book. Sitting at a large table, in the library, overflowing with books.

"I can't believe they even _came_." came the voice of Remus from behind the pile of books in front of her. She laughed and pushed some books aside so she could look out the window.

Snowing. She could see the outlines of Nymph and Aurora throwing snowballs at James through the fog on the glass. Sirius and May were blurred together.

"No, I change my statement, I can't believe _James _left." He said letting the pile of books between them topple over, catching lily off her guard, she sat up straight and flipped through pages in her book. "You were just staring at him weren't you?"

"I most certainly was not." she stated. he nodded.

"Sure..."

"Why would _he_ stay anyway? "

"Because the only reason he was in here was to watch you read."

"What?" she laughed at him.

"Your telling me you are so dense as to not notice him stare at you every minute of everyday?" she laughed again

"Does he really? What a nutter."

"He's not a nutter, he likes you." she laughed again and continued flipping though her book.

"How come you're in here and not out there?" he asked

"Because I need to learn this stuff so I don't fail."

"Yeah." he started scribbling on some parchment. She continued reading. The scratching off his quill stopped. _Crunch_. She looked up. He had a chocolate bar.

"Madame Pince will have your head." she said.

"Oh, yeah." he stuffed it back in his pocket but too late in fact. Madame Pince was hurrying over.

"Mr. Lupin! Miss. Evans!" she screeched. "No food! Out! Out!" she levitated the books and sent them out the door. They ran after them, into the hall. The door shut loudly behind them.

"Good job, Remus. Getting me kicked out of the library!"

"I'm sorry-" he started

"I'm just kidding, it was getting cold in there anyways" she laughed helping him gather the books and parchment, and they walked back to the common room.

There were two people on the couch. from what they could see from the back, They were a little _busy_. Lily rolled her eyes, Remus motioned up the boys stair case. They stopped a few steps up.

"They need to get a room." lily said quietly laughing. "I think that was May and Sirius!"

"You can come study in my dorm if you want."he said opening the door to the left.

"Goodness Remus, I thought you were a gentleman!" lily joked. He rolled his eyes opening the door for her. She walked in face to face with James.

"Oh, Evans. Come for a good snog?"

"Oh please." she rolled her eyes and stepped around him. "I'm here to study, you git!" Remus walked in. James eyed him evilly

"Oh yes, _studying. In the boy's dorms_. I believe that." he laughed. "Well, like I said. If you want a _good _snog evens come to me" she said walking out the door laughing.

"What a prat!" lily said dumping the books on Remus' bed, where he sat with his nose in a very large book. He nodded. She sat down next to him, He blushed a little at the idea of a girl sitting on his bed. She pulled out her own book and laid across the end of his bed.

"Sometimes I think we're the only people who study" she said after a while.

"Well, I don't think I know anyone who _likes _to read." lily laughed.

"You ever notice we end up being the only people left at the end of the day studying?"

"Yeah, but I do the studying for Sirius and peter too."

"What you don't do it for Mr. high-and-mighty ?"

"No, he seems to get stuff done when he spends less time on it then Sirius. And he gets good grades." he sat in though for a minute before asking; "Why don't you like him again?"she laughed and ignored his comment. "No really, why?"

"Do we have to talk about him?"

"No, I guess not..." he looked back to his book "so then, what do we talk about?" he asked sarcastically.

"Me!" she laughed. He shook his head. "Well, lets see, Why do you study? You're top in the class and you know it all. Why didn't you go have a snowball fight with Sirius and them?"

"Because I like the library more." she laughed.

"It's sad but me too." she said seriously. "We're sad. We have no friends but the Library. No, You're my friend!"

"I am?" he was a little shocked by this, they did spend a bit of time together but having someone call him a friend was quite a bit warming, he never really had friends. He preferred to be secluded.

"Well, yeah, I mean, You're the only person I ever study with, and I do seem to like talking to you more than all the girls. All they talk about is themselfs and make-up and- " she shuddered "- James and Sirius" he laughed. "And how can I be best friends with people who don't even make interesting conversation? But then, you are often extremely quiet, but that is a right side better than talking about James and Sirius Day and Night. " she buried her head in her book for a minute. "Am I your friend?"

"Yeah. I love Hogwarts," he started, still reading

"Um, no I was talking about me..."

"No, I mean; I love Hogwarts because I finally have people to be friends with." he explained staring at his book but not reading it.

"Have you ever had a best friend before?"

"Yes, sort of." his lip twitched a bit he looked a bit sadder, but lily, her head resting in her book, did not notice.

"Who?" she asked finally looking up. To see him staring sad and blankly into his book. "Sorry. I didn't mean to say anything that would-"

"No," he snapped out of his trance "He was my brother."

"Was?" she asked but mentally kicked herself. He got up and walked over to his drawers. "I'm sorry Remus! I didn't mean to- to- I think I'll go." she said sitting up, he sat down next to her holding out a picture.

There were two boys, They booth looked like absolutely identical, younger versions of Remus. But there was something different about him, they were both smiling, and laughing with the other. Both holding small broomsticks. They were outside and it was sunny and, neither looked pale and sad, like he did now.

"We were best friends." he said quietly.

"May I ask what happened?"she said trying to choose her words carefully.

"I've never really told anyone."

"You don't have to say anything Remus." she hugged him consolingly.

"It's ok" he said patting her sweetly. He continued after a second of silence "we were six, and he- " he paused for a moment, and cleared his throat, "he got lost in the woods."

Lily could feel tears in her eyes. "I think, I should go now." she said standing up. He looked up at her again. He saw the tears, that had finally fallen, now half way down her cheek. He stood up next to her. She stared down and through him, into space. He pulled his sleeve up over his hand and wiped her tears off her cheeks.

"It's ok." he said softly

"I'm sorry" she said still looking into space.

"No, I am, I mad you cry." she hugged him.

"I needed a good cry" she laughed, picking up his picture. "You were awfully cute."

"Was?" he laughed.

"Still friends?"

"The best?"

"Yeah." she gave his picture back and turned for the door. "Bye."

"You don't have to go you know..."he said putting the picture in the door.

"Oh, yeah." she walked back to his bed sitting down and putting the book on her lap. She sat in silence for a moment, while he picked up his book, and sat at the head of his bed, but he didn't read, his eyes didn't move, he stared at the same spot, looking thoughtful.

"Why did you tell me?" she asked

"Because, sometimes you just need to tell someone." she nodded. And looked into her book, not reading. She stared, thinking.

"I know how you feel" she said finally, Breaking the comfortable silence that seemed once seemed sad, but now comfortable. "I've never had a best friend. No one to talk to about things, I had a journal. It's not the same. It's not alive. I've kept myself locked up. I felt like I had no one"

"You have me."he said this slowly struggling to find his words as though saying this the wrong way would set off a bomb.

"Can I talk to you? About- things?" she struggled for words here, for she really had never had someone to talk to about anything.

"Of course," he looked up at her. She moved up next to him and hugged him ...

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**A/N;** talk about devistated... have you ever accidentally deleted 5 chapters of 800 words each and had no way to retreive them so you stayed up all night re-typing half of it? ... yup that sucks I'd know...


	3. Second Year: truths

**DISCLAIMER: ((see ch 1))

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Chapter 3 - Second Year: Truths **

"I love school when Exams are over." Lily said sighing and closing her eyes to take in the full warmth of the day.

"No homework" he replied

"All the teachers give up." she said jovially.

"I haven't been to the Library in -" he counted on his fingers as she laughed. "Three whole days!"

"Do you miss it?"

"Yes I do." he closed his eyes, feeling her breathing. A comfortable silence came in the two taking in the beauty of the lake.

"So beautiful..." Remus whispered dreamily after a moment, finding his gaze drift from the lake to the side of Lily, who was laying across his stomach, looking off across the lake. He did not mean to say it, he wasn't sure he was even thinking it, or why, but it came out none the less.

"Yeah." lily said in reference to the lake.

It was Late in the afternoon the sun was just off the horizon, making the sky an orangish pink fading softly white to blue, and the few clouds that did streak the sky were a purplish color, Blending with the tops of the trees that loomed dark on the hills. The bright blooming flowers on the edge of the forest contrasted nicely with it's dark mysterious depths. The lake looked a soft green, and the over all effect was quite dream like, topped with a warm breeze, that ever so softly lifted her hair, so that it danced across her face.

"I wish we could stay like this forever" she said dreamily.

He touched her hair ever so lightly, taking in it's perfect soft fragile weaving, as he slowly moved it between his fingers. She lifted up her hand, catching his.

"Are you playing with my hair?" she asked whispering, in a voice that sounded accusing but nearly in awe. He started to move his hand away, but she held on to it for a second before rolling over. She rested her head in her arms, that were crossed over his stomach.

His gaze drifted over to the lake. Lily could see the sadness in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

His eyes stopped moving across the lake. "I was just thinking bout my mother, you know how sick she is." she got up and sat next to him.

"Going to visit her soon?" he nodded looking anywhere but at her. She knew something was going on he didn't feel like telling her about, because every time she mentioned his mother he would avoid her eyes.

"You don't have to lie to me." she said fixing some wrinkles in her skirt.

"I-I'm-" he stumbled over his thoughts and words, _how could she possible had know I was lying?_ He thought "how did you know?" he asked quietly looking back towards her.

"I'm you best friend. I know. Even if you wont tell me."

"I R-Really don't know if-"

"You don't have to tell me, just don't lie to me, please." she stopped straightening her skirt and stared at it painfully. "It hurts when you do."

"I'm sorry." he took one of her hands in his. "_Can _I tell you?" he asked whispering. She looked a bit scared and none the less nervous. She nodded, swallowing the knot in her throat that appeared at the sound of anguish in his voice. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"Of course, what kind of friend would I be if I did?" she whispered back sincerely, though slightly hurt just by his gazes of pain.

"You'd be my friend no mater what right?"

"Yes..." she looked a bit more nervous. He felt her hand shaking slightly, and she squeezed his.

He leaned in closer to her so that no one else would hear, and still whispering he struggled to find his words "I... I don't go to visit my mother once a month." he started slowly staring into her hand. "I go to the shrieking shack to- because-" It was obviously very difficult for him to put this into words, let alone words that would not scare her out of her wits. "I- I am a _werewolf..._" he whispered the latter so quietly that even the tree they leaned up against could not hear. He looked less pained but none the less sadder. "I am a monster, and a liar." He looked up at her expecting to see her frightened and taken aback. But she smiled sweetly, and hugged him very tightly immediately. suppressing tears.

"You're not a monster." she whispered into his ear, he could hear the tears in her voice.

"I'm sorry I lied." he sighed hugging her back.

"I understand," she said letting him go, and leaning back up against the tree. She put an arm around him, and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"You know it really is Quite sad though" she said after a moment of warm silence.

"What is?" She smiled playfully looking over to him.

"That you miss the library" They laughed. He felt so much better than he ever had. he had someone to talk to, someone who knew everything, _some one so perfect,_ he thought to himself, but he ignored this thought, shoved it to the back of his mind. _This has to be a dream_, he thought,_ Nothing that felt so right could be true, _he wanted to pinch himself to make sure it was in fact a real day.

He didn't know what made him so happy, because besides the fact that he knew this friend was true, there was some feeling, like jumping off a cliff, rising inside him. Lily sighed, he felt her comfortable on him, and he touched her hair again. He put his arm around her waist, that was real enough for him ...

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**A/N: Thanks to the reviewers! not enough time to put up names on this post sorry, but I'm on at 5 thirty in the morning.**

**Anyways. This part of the story seems to be my least favourite.I really don't know why, not bad writing and not bad storyline. maybee I'm just crazy like that! yes, yes I am! any way now, you see what you guys don't know is that I am on chapter 8 right now. I just haven't re- read and re spell/ grammer checked it, and made sure i liked eveywornd three times over. I probably spend more time checking over EVERYTHING than i do spend typing... BUT! that's what makes it seem as throughthis could have really happened.**

**To answer some questions that have not yet been asked. There aren't a specific number of chapters per Year. it ranges. one time it will be two ch.then four and well, yes. like that all crazy and stuff. but whatever.**

**Chapter 4 should be done by... oh knowing me, i want it up tommarrow, maybee even later today but my goal is saturday. but you know, tomarrow does seem so much better ...**


	4. Fourth Year: As friends

**DISCLAIMER: not my people place things ect... i own the plot. woo. go me!**

**A/N; i REALLY DO NOT like doing scenes with dances or balls because they just seem SO very fake, but i tried to give as little detail on the actuall dance so it would seem realistic, but you know over the course of 7 years they shoud've had at least one dance... so i guess it's ok. As you probalby know but may not, this is made to be so that it could've really happened (or as close as could be non-JK possible) so... just keep it in mind.. you know... ya... okay STORY TIME!

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Chapter 4- Fourth Year : **As Friends**

Some may call this awkward. My situation. Mostly because their were the rumors, that we were more than friends. Not many people believed them. Then there were the other ones, they were a bit more off the wall. Some one told me that there was a rumor that James loved me, I could only laugh at that. But he whom gave me this information did not laugh, but instead raised an eyebrow upon sitting down next to me.

"The Yule ball week." he continued,"James asked you already?"they said this all with no emotion. As though covering up all feelings. Very well indeed too, as I had no idea whether they were dying or they were exited and nervous.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"He was kind of crushed when you turned him down."

"I didn't turn him down-"

"You ignored him-"

"Yes, because he's a prat he just thinks all girls love him-"

"No he doesn't-"

"Oh, stop defending him."

"Anyway. He really was kind of crushed-"

"Really now. Are you sure it wasn't because he found out that reality is, that every girl _doesn't _swoon over him?"

"I think you should give him a chance." he continued.

"Has he put you under the imperious?" I asked waving my hand in front of their face, he looked at me, but his emotionless voice seemed filled with guilt as they spoke on.

"No, I just think he was really crushed, and I think you should at least dance with him, give him _some _chance."

"But I thought we were going together?"

"As friends," for some reason I felt a stab of hurt as he said that like he was explaining something to a slow person." but you could still dance with him."

"Okay, why are you asking me to do this, Remus?"

"Because," all his emotion came back, a mixture of guilt and lost sadness filled his face. "He _really does _like you. And I feel like, because I am so close to you that I am stealing something from him, the one thing he wants most." Realization dawned on me.

"But you're _not, _he's just_- ..._ wait! He want's me! _Wait!_ You want me!"

"No No!" I think that's what he meant but he didn't mean for me to see it. "What I mean is, well, I'm your best friend, and James get's kind of jealous, because you don't hate me. You know? He just doesn't know how to talk to you. He tries to charm you but he-"

"Comes of as a prat?"

"- he doesn't mean to. I promised him that if he didn't so anything stupid. That I'd Try to get you to at_ least_ talk to him. So will you dance with him or something?"

"I will, for your sake I will, 'coz you look awfully guilty about something you didn't do wrong." at that point the Professor had started class, our conversation cut short.

I was nervous. I didn't know why. Probably because It was my first Ball. I made it down the stairs with out tripping over my dress, which was quite a feat, because it was long and I never wear heels, and the butterflies in my stomach made me feel all crumbly, but that was nothing compared to when I saw them standing at the edge of the stairs. I felt like jumping at the sight of Remus in his fancy dress robes, looking so smug. I would've laughed fuller at his dramatic gentlemanly act, when he bowed and kissed my hand. But James was off on the side of the group, looking at me out of the corner of an eye with a smile that somehow looked so sad.

The Ball was wonderfully decorated, sparkling all around. I danced with Remus for nearly all the slow songs, the only songs I danced to in fact. He was a good dancer. Everyone else was attempting a waltz or something ridiculously complicated. He just held my hand with an arm around my waist, holding me tight, my chin rested on his shoulder. Barely sliding his feet across the floor, his movement seemed so much more elegant than any steps at all. He talked to me while we danced too, everyone else was either trying to count, or avoid their partner. It wasn't really anything important that he said, I don't remember any of it, but it was nice just listening to him.

The Head master announced the last slow song, and requested a dance with the deputy head mistress. I stood up expecting Remus to join me, but he stayed seated. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, _James_. He didn't say anything he just held out a hand towards the dance floor. I had a second look at Remus before taking his hand. His dancing was not bad, but not like Remus'. James moved slowly too, but he took a few steps every now and then. He didn't say anything, it was awfully quiet, but that seemed good for him, and that was defiantly good for me. He didn't hold me close either. It made me miss Remus. I closed my eyes resting my head on his shoulder, I dreamt I was dancing with Remus. James' dancing seemed to have improved. The song ended. I leaned off his shoulder, He smiled at me, every sadness I ever saw in him disappeared as I smiled back politely. He had not yet let go of my hand, and smiled more as he stood there even though this song was over, and people were shuffling around us.

"A little_ quiet _today, James?" I asked.

"I was afraid I would say something stupid," he said smiling brightly. "I haven't done anything wrong have I?" He did not say this as though apologizing in a polite way. He said it as though mocking me, as though every time he acted like a prat it was my fault. I let got of his hand.

"I think I'm going to go sit down." I walked back to my table. Remus was there seeing him smiling made me smile. And I wished there was just one more song so I could dance with him, so I didn't have to dream. But to my displeasure a song not worthy of our dancing played. Remus stood up. He looked down on me with such loving eyes, like the older brother I never had.

"Do you want to dance?" he asked holding out a hand. He didn't dance for the faster songs, so I was a tad bit confused, but I took his hand anyway. He pulled me in with one hand around my waist, dancing like he did for all the slow songs. But it felt different this time...

She looked so beautiful dancing with him, I wondered if she was as beautiful dancing with me. I couldn't stop staring at her. She closed her eyes, I wondered if she did that when I danced with her. I felt something like jealousy rise in me, but I realized that I missed holding her.

After a moment, I heard a voice in the back of my head, technically it wasn't saying anything, because as those voices go, they never really speak works. They just sort of search your memory and point out something seemlily arbitrary. 'you don't know what your missing until It's gone', this one told me. I wished Lily would never be gone from me, but that was selfish.

The song ended. Lily came back over. Before She sat down I asked her for one more dance. Even though the song was not right, I missed her touch. I held her like I did for all the other songs, But it felt different this time, there was something warmer between us...

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**A/N;wow, i held off for two whole days, let's see if i can keep chapter 5 away until monday night ... no i can't do that! i just can't! It'll be up tomarrow... sigh**


	5. Fifth Year: Promise

**DISCLAIMER:((see chapter 1))

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Chapter 5 - Fifth Year: Promise **

Lily sat up In her bed. She could not sleep, she had too many thoughts in her head to sleep, some of these confusing even her. She looked out the window. The moon that Illuminated the room shown brightly through the fog on the glass. _Almost full_, she thought to herself, pulling on her slippers and walking down the stairs to the common room.

Remus sat lounged on the couch across from the fire, wrapped in a blanket. His face illuminated by the flames that he stared through.

"Thought you'd be down here." she said sitting at his feet. "How are you feeling?"

"As always." he said distantly, he seemed to be lost in thought.

"Cold?" He asked holding out his arm with some of the blanket. She sat next to him, as he wrapped his arm and blanket around her.

"Are you going tomorrow?" she asked wrapping one arm around him. He nodded. "Shall I make you a get well soon card ?" she joked.

"Thank you." he laughed. "Why are you up?"

"I couldn't sleep knowing you were down her cold and alone." she hugged him with the one arm she had wrapped around him

"Thanks."

"No problem." She rested her head on him. She stared past the fire, it made her feel warmer, Drowsy. Her eye lids felt heavy, she struggled to keep them open. She needed to talk to him, about something she wasn't sure about, she didn't know what, But she needed to tell him. The sleep was winning her over.

"Remus" she said sleepily.

"Hmm?"

"I think some times," she said fighting the sleep, he nodded slowly. "I do not like to think what I do," she knew she was sleepy because she had no idea how she put her thoughts into words. " or why I think what I do, or even what I am thinking sometimes." Her eyes were closed completely now. "It's like I can feel things, and my mind tries to comprehend them. And somewhere I know what I feel, but I just don't what it means. But I think I get it-" she leaned over and put her face in his chest, and sighed real deep, " I think I love you." His face fell.

"Lily." his voice was so solid it broke her drowsiness. She opened her eyes. "No." Her heart fell in to the pit of her stomach. _Why did I say that? _she thought to herself _Why did I even think that? _

"What?" she was a little confused, but more or less it was that she just spoke something she never thought she had thought before.

"I love you. But you are like a sister to me."

"I didn't mean to-"

"You can't love me anything more than a friend." he took his gaze away from the fire now. He looked into her eyes with a pain she had never seen before. "you have to promise."

"Why?" _Why did I ask that?_ She thought. What she didn't know was that her heart was telling her something, she just didn't know what it meant, so it took over her conscience..

"Because I don't want to hurt you. I can't break you heart, It would kill me. "

"Why would you?" When your heart starts to argue through you're mouth you know something is wrong, but this she said this on her own behalf, curious as to why he would ever think about hurting her.

"Because it's complicated, between James and my whole situation, and- and it would just happen." he sighed. "Do you promise?"

"I promise." he wrapped his other arm around her and gave her a soft hug. But he did not let her go, He held her close but loosely, and she held the blanket close to her, as well as she held him. After a moment, the sleep came back. Her eyelids weighed a ton, and his breathing lulled her into a soft dream...

He woke early the next morning, It was still very dark out, but the fire was still glowing. He felt lily's rhythmic breathing next to him. He sat up and left the blanket around her, she curled up a bit, causing some of her hair to fall across her face. _She looks so beautiful, like a porcelain doll_, he thought then mentally shook himself. He leaned over next to her, he had to wake her. But he couldn't, she looked so peaceful, like an angel. He moved the hair away from her face, revealing luscious lips. They looked so soft and he just could not stop looking at them, for how much he longed to kiss them even he didn't know._ She is asleep_, he thought, _she would never know, it would never hurt her_. He leaned in to kiss her, he couldn't do it, knowing what might possibly come of it, so he kissed her cheek, ever so softly.

"Lily" he whispered upon leaving her cheek. She stirred slightly. "Lily." He whispered a little louder. Her eyes opened slowly. "You have to get back to bed before people start getting up." she nodded and sat up.

She smiled at him. Having just woken up she was still to dazed to remember his words last night. She stood up stifling a yawn.

"Okay," she said "See you at breakfast?"

"Yeah." he sat back on the couch next to the blanket, staring into the fire again.

She walked slowly up the stairs. She felt something tickling her cheek, she snapped back in to her reality. She felt her heart Take a terrible throb, and slid down the wall in the stairwell, her head in her hands. _How could I had said something like that to him? _She felt herself overcome with tears, _What was I thinking? He would never love me back._ She felt her heart shatter, She did love him. Right there she sat weeping for a few moments before she felt her cheek tingling again. She lifted her hand to it. Softly tickling, It felt as though recently touched ...

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**A/N; sorry bout the alst chapter, it cut my line breaks,theres was a few time changes and POV changes but oh well!**

**NEXT CHAPTER: Tommarrow! yay!**


	6. Fifth Year: Journal

**DISCLAIMER: all HP realated stuff is not mine! wow. what a shock...

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Chapter 6 - Fifth Year: Dear Journal **

He watched as Lily's hair swished away through the Portrait hole on her way to the library. Looking back at the table Piled with books and Quills and homework, he sighed. Figuring he better get started, He pulled a random book open. It was hand written, confused, he looked to the first line;

_Dear journal,_

He snapped the book shut. _This is lily's journal_, he thought. He sat it on the table in front of him carefully. Despite his instincts, curiosity got the best of him after a moment of staring at the book. He opened it to a page near the front, It was very scribbled writing, and the page looked previously wet in spots;

_Dear Journal,_

_I miss mommy so much. Every night I go to bed and hope she'll come and tuck me in and say Prayers but only daddy comes in and he doesn't tuck me in the same way. Today petunia tried to still the special clip mommy gave me for my hair, she even pulled out some of my hair! My head hurts now._

He flipped to the last page, _curiosity worthy of sin_, he thought. He kept reading. The writing was much neater and it was dated _today_. Despite his guilty conscience he read on;

_Dear Journal,_

_Stress is a bitch. I am so stressed, I can't breath right, I keep breathing to fast and I hyperventilate, then I forget to breath... its odd don't ask(not that you could I'm sure). Did you know that memory loss is an effect of stress? well, Madame Pomfrey told me so while I was in her office for a calming Drought! I also found out it causes hypoglycemia attacks, and nose bleeds, WHICH, by the way, is why I had to re-do my Potions Essay, I kept dripping blood on it and I'm like I can NOT turn this in. And on the way back to the common room, that git Potter, cornered me and tired to kiss me! What a freak! I can not stand him! ... So anyway I had a calming drought and I felt better. it calmed me down. Madame Pomfrey told me writing in my journal would help me deal with the things I couldn't talk about because the only person I could possibly say anything to is the one person I cant tell... _

Remus' heart sank uncontrollably as he read on.

_God, I love him so much,_ _but he doesn't want me to love him so I don't get hurt. That's sweet, but that hurts so much more. Every Time I look at him I wish I could be with him even more. There's a Reason I cry at night, I wake up and I have tears on my cheeks, I think that I am crying over him as much as I am _for_ him. I feel so Terrible all the pain he has to go through, and I hope so much that he knows That I am There, That he doesn't have to resort to _this_ sort of thing. He loves me like his sister, I wish so much that he loved me more, that he knew that I care for him more than anyone ever. _

He put the Journal down. Starring at it until lily came back in.

"I got this Herbology book, I think you needed it?" she said handing him a book of the pile that she carried. "You did need it didn't you?"

"Yeah, thank you Lily. You're so sweet." she smiled and sat down looking over a book, Immense amounts of stress in her face. He smiled.

"You need a hug." he said smiling playfully.

"What-" she was cut off by him hugging her Tightly. _This is the most Random thing ever_, she thought, _why in the bloody hell is he doing this!_

"You're the best" he whispered in her hear, Shocked by his bluntness and caught of guard she barely managed a laughed; "Erm- Thank you?". She thought, _Was this all for the book? _

He had no idea why he hugged her. He had no idea that it hurt her so much to hold back that she loved him so much, _but most of all_, he had no idea he could ever care so much for her ...

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**AN; i really don't know what he hugged her. impulse choice? i guess so. ha ha. anyway. ya if you can't guess by now I'll tell ya; _Lily's mum is dead, has been, for a while_. yeah. anyways...YAY!9 Reveiws! actually i hoped for more but oh well. anyways... thanks to;**

_Jamien, Fox of the Nova, __**GSCer**, __**Porcelain Prayer**__, jessie, an most especially; __**Mrs.Poynter and Mrs.Judd**__ Such loyal Reveiwers!_

**CHAPTER 6- will come to soon for my liking i just know it. I'm supposed to leave big Empty spaces Between Chappys for literary cliffs, but i just can't hold back the Chapters!  
-steffy**


	7. Fifth Year: In the Rain

**DISCLAIMER: ((see ch1))

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A/N: I'm online at 3am for this. only because this is like the best chapter , well that depends if you like 'action' then i guess chapter8 would be the best for you... after all I do rate that _'PG-13+'_ tee hee hee... any ways this chapter has the best writing Flow. so READ IT SLOWER don't rush though so you can see hwat happens. Its the words that make it so brilliant...** CH 8 up on sunday**... i expect lots of reveiws by then but as we all know... Reveiwers are scarce... okay?... read...

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**Chapter 7 - Fifth Year: In the rain**

It was raining. A small red-headed girl lay alone in the middle of the path leading away from the school. She stared up into the sky and watched as the rain came pouring over her face, every drop was cold and full of a numbness that lifted away the thoughts of the boy that she wished for so badly.

Her thoughts became lost among the dark clouds that moved slowly cascading across a deep blue setting whispering with a million drops of rain. She must have laid there for an hour or two, lost in her thoughts, sopping wet so that there was no longer a trace of the tears she had previously wept. The rain felt like it was washing away all the things she hated about her self, and she could have sat there forever, letting it clean her of emotion. She felt like this time was time enough, and she sat up. She was not alone, she could feel the warmth of a presence behind her.

"About time," A voice called echoing though the rain drops and magnifying ten fold off the puddles. She turned around to see the face of a boy with soaked brown hair, messy from the rain. The boy that she had broken her heart over, the one she thought she loved, the one that knew that, and denied it even though he felt the same. "I was wondering if you were ok." he asked standing up, and walking over to her. She turned as to hide her face,she knew the last thing he need to see, was her crying over him.

"I'm fine" she said standing up and beginning to walk away. She could hear his footsteps echoing of the ground and splashing through puddles as he ran to catch up with her.

"Wait!" he begged, grabbing her arm and spinning her around revealing tear-filled, beautiful, but pained, green eyes. He could say nothing, just looking at her eyes made him realize that there was nothing he could say to make her better without hurting her later on. "I'm sorry. I-I can't, you know..."

_She knew_.

"Please leave me be." she needed to be alone in the rain again. To let it wash away every feeling, that it had taken, and just so quickly given back.

"What I mean is," he said walking around to face her, but she had been staring at her feet. "No matter how much it hurts us now-"

"_Us_?" she cut him off. "You do too, then?" he paused before nodding slowly. Tears formed in her eyes again as she stared off into the foggy distance, Barely lit by a half moon hidden in the clouds. "Why? Why then? If you love me too?"

"Because it'd get to complicated." he looked into her eyes and he knew that would break her heart, he couldn't do that, Especially if It hurt him that bad too...

"You know," he said with a hope-filled voice, lifting her chin so she was looking him in the eyes again, "I love you. Since the day I saw you I have." Her eyes so full of tears closed, and a smile played across her momentarily brightened face, that so quickly filled with tears and sobs as she wrapped her arms around him and cried.

"I guess it really could n't hurt ... if we were a bit more than _just _friends?" He said choosing his words extremely carefully. She let go of him. "I love you lily Evans, I've loved you since first year." he sighed and put his arms around her. "Do you still love me?."

"I love you so much." she said looking him deep in the eyes.

That moment of silence in the rain may have lasted forever, letting those last words hang in the air, clean with the feeling of rain. But it was a mere bleating glimpse of silence to her, no sound of rain falling, no cold winds coming though her soaked jacket, and no movement. The trees, the grass, the wind, all seemed to stop and watch as she pulled him into a kiss.

She felt happier than she Ever had in her entire life to date. A kiss like this one may never had existed before, with passion like fireworks and Love like wings, she knew that kiss marked a Love so deep...


	8. Fifth Year: Angel In Red ::pg13plus::

**DISCLAIMER: (see ch1)

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WARNING. This chapter is WAY... PG-13+** ! for a not-so breif make-out scene. so yeah... blush**

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**Chapter 8 - Fifth Year: Angel in red**

They couldn't be together in public because of James. Why Remus was friends with him lily wasn't sure, though she was sure it had something to do with them plotting things with Sirius and a mousy boy named Peter, But Remus seemed very attached to them .

So by day they were Friends, but when alone, they could be a _bit_ more than friends.

The last night before the summer, Lily lay over him on the couch after every one had left the common room. Both in pajamas, Lily wore blood red tank top and pajama pants, making her look pale, but glowing. _Angel in red, _Remus thought. He had wrapped his arms around her waist, hers around his neck. Her nose practically in his ear, whispering sweet nothings, and making him laugh.

"Stop it, that tickles." he said finally,yet still laughing.

She rested her head on his shoulders softly, breathing him in. He stared into her hair for a while before moving it aside to kiss her neck. He kissed her a few times before she rolled underneath him, he kissed her front, and then her lips, a bit slower and softer this time. He held her there for a moment before feeling something different, he let off her lips. She took a sharp intake of breath before opening her eyes. She felt something there, half way between a shock and a plummet of rocks into her stomach. He looked her in the eyes and she pulled him in.

This kiss more passionate and moving. He had a leaping feeling in his stomach, feeling motivated, he touched her side with one hand, moving up, feeling the warmth and beauty of her skin. She pulled him down on top of her completely. He wrapped his other arm behind her. She felt his tongue tempting her, moving slow and softly against her own. The breathing became deeper and faster.

He moved his hand unconsciously under the back of her tank top, slowly stopping from spot to spot feeling her skin. She moved her hands down his sides, and put her fingers under the edge of his shirt. He moved her head with the power of his kiss, and moved his other hand slowly down as she moved hers up his back. She wrapped her arms around him Pulling him tighter to her and pushing her fingers weakly into his back.

He moved his hand down her side slowly, while still feeling her back with his other. She moved slowly with the motion of his kiss. His hand made its way down her side slowly to her hip. Touching her skin, and feeling the edge of her pajama pants. He slowly slid his hand down the side of her hip. He got half of two fingers in the side of her pants, before the both jumped up off the couch.

"What the hell was that?" she screamed in a whisper asking herself and Remus in shock and fear, yet whispering, as though saying it too loud would make it real.

"Er." he looked severely shocked. "I don't know I just got kind of caught up in - the moment?" his voice questioned itself.

"Me too..." she said in awe of herself and what she had been doing nearly unconsciously "I- I think I should get to bed, Remus, goodnight." she said walking slowly backwards towards her dorm.

What had she done, and was that her that did that? Was it her that Tempted him? Or was it a Pandora's box type thing. One kiss led too far?

"Er... yeah. 'Night" he said quietly.

"By the way," she said looking at her feet. "I think It'd be better if this never happened. right? I mean, I'd get too -er- you know..."

"Yeah." he nodded. She head up the stairs front-words and fast pace. He could not believe what happened, or that he even did that. He was ashamed that he would've ever done that to her, or anything like that. That was not like him, at all in anyway. But he couldn't help smiling on the inside thinking of the warmth of her, all of her.

_Was she up there right now, miserable? _he thought, _or did she hate him, for that seeming like he was taking advantage of her in some way?_ He had no idea what had gotten into himself.

He felt as though the monster inside had taken over. Not knowing his own actions, but he knew this was _not_ a monster...

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**A/N: sorry of that was a little... er- Awkward? butI felt a need for it LMAO...  
CHAPTER 9 up on.. um tuesday? please _REVEIW! i dun care if you already did, do it again_! mua ha ha ha ha gone insane back later**


	9. Fifth Year: I did this

**DISCLAIMER: ((see ch 1))

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Chapter 9 - Fifth Year : I did this.**

"So anyway," James continued with his arm around a blonde Ravenclaw girl, on the train home "that's when I saw the bludger coming at me! And I skidded out of the way..." The girl seemed to be soaking the story in. But James, thought exited, seemed half distracted by the pretty little red head staring out the window. She didn't even notice his existence today, He doubted she even knew he was in the compartment.

Lily spent the day trying not to face Remus, But she always sat with him on the train. So she did such today, even though the air of awkward ness was thick enough to cut with a knife.

I felt like crying. Whatever happened between us last night never happened, so naturally It was dead awkward. But we had to stand together so no one would know. But They noticed, if not by the fact that we avoided talking to each other, and had been quiet for the last twenty minutes, then by the fact that we were beat red just standing next to each other. What we did was not us, that was silently agreed, but I think no matter how awkward it was I needed to talk to him. But I couldn't while James was in here. I waited about a half an hour for the git to leave with his new girl, and when they finally did I couldn't bring myself to say anything for a while.

He cleared his throat. "Lily,"she looked away from the window, but not completely at him, nor completely away.

"Yes?" she sounded distant and sad. He moved over close to her.

"I never meant to- "

"I know."

"You don't hate me do you." she looked up at him.

"I could never hate you. Why would you think that?"

"Well, I mean I did that, I wasn't thinking. I just feel like I did something so evil, like I totally disrespected you, and I just figured you wouldn't want to see me ever again." she felt tears swell up in her eyes, she stood up. She could feel herself trembling.

"I'm sorry Remus." she walked out of the compartment, she covered her eyes and walked to the back of the train. She hit someone on the shoulder half way down the train and mumbled a sorry, but continued walking. She heard someone shuffling behind her. There was and empty compartment she slid in, still trying to cover her eyes. Someone walked in after her. She looked up to see the infamous James Potter, without his infamous smirk.

"What the bloody hell do you want with me you prat!" she screamed. He closed the compartment door. She covered up her face again and, tried with all her will not to let anymore tears fall.

"Lily, what's been going on with you lately?" he sat down next to her.

"Get Out!" she yelled from behind her hands.

"No." He said simply. She let her hands fall from her face.

"What goes on in my life is none of your business, Potter. You may be rich but you don't own the whole bloody world!" she screamed.

"I just wanted to know what's wrong. I know that its between you and Remus," He said softly sitting next to her "And I just wanted to tell you, If you need someone to cry on I'll be right here." she started to sob into her hands. He put an arm around her, but she shoved him off.

"I never had a friend." she said after her sobs died down "He was the only friend I ever had. But I was so stupid about it. He thinks I hate him."

"I'm sure He doesn't think you hate him."

"He does- He said so!" she let her face leave her hands and looked out the compartment window. She mumble;"I never should have-" she paused. "Never mind." she stared of into the distance looking a bit shocked. "It was _me_." she whispered to the floor, "I did this to myself, _I _never should have said anything, _I_ never should have done anything."she started yelling" It was fine the way it was, _I_ broke the promise. _I_ kissed him-" she slapped her hand over her mouth, _James was not supposed to know this_.

"What?" she had to lie. Lie or have Remus beaten to a bloody pulp.

"I kissed him yesterday, after he made me promise not to like him... _Because of you_." James looked a little paler.

"_Me?_"

"You were his best friend, and he told me, you liked me so I couldn't like him, okay?"

"This is my fault isn't it? Wait-" He went even paler "_you know_?"

"Of course I know, you Big headed, Git! And Yes, This is your fault! Do you get that!" she felt all her anger explode at him. But he looked so sad.

"I'm sorry. I just liked you-"

"You'll never learn! You Prat!" she covered her eyes with her eyes with her hands.

"It's just I always act funny around you. I really never meant to-"

"I have to talk to him."she stood up and walked to the door. "By the way. I never told you I kissed him okay?" he nodded solemnly.

She made her way up the train slow at first and the broke into a slow run. Stopping just outside the compartment, she slid open the door. Remus sat staring at the floor. She sat next to him, and enveloped him in a hug. She started sobbing into his shoulder.

"Lily." he put an arm around her. "Lily, It's okay. It's okay."

"No. No, Remus, It's not okay." she leaned off his shoulder. "_I _did this,_ I _started liking you and"she began to whisper. "_I_ kissed you first, and _I _made you feel like you did something wrong,_ you didn't._"

"No, if it was that bad than I shouldn't have kissed you back."

"It wasn't bad. It_ was_ a good kiss." she leaned the side of her head on his shoulder.

"Er... thank you?" he said skeptically. She looked up at him smiling weakly, and kissed his lips softly.

He Decided to go back to the compartment, Lily should have talked to Remus by now. He made his way back to te compartment, he could hear Voices.

"_...It's not okay. I did this, I started liking you, and I kissed you first_". They were still talking. He thought it polite to wait for them to make peace, in the mean time he could find Sirius, and some more Ravenclaws, But he stopped when he heard Remus' Voice

"No, If it was that bad I shouldn't have kissed you back." he could feel the anger rising in him.

"It wasn't bad. It was a good kiss." his mouth fell open. Was he hearing what he thought?

Before he could run in there and kill Remus, he forced himself to think.

He told Lily he wouldn't tell, and he didn't want to be a prat, like always. Actually, altogether, he changed his mind that day.

_Lily really liked Remus, Not me. Never me. _He stopped. That day, Everything he did for lily, and it was never going to happen. So he vowed, that he did not like her.

After a moment he walked back into the compartment. Lily was sitting next to Remus, her eyes were still a bit red. He sat down quietly and she smiled at him, before continuing to talk to Remus about her sister's wedding this summer. He Remained Quiet throughout the train ride, not even stealing glances at her.

The train came to a slow stop at the station. They took their trunks and bags, and made for the platform.

After getting of the train, they waited for a witch to gesture them through the barrier.

"You have to write me everyday. You promise?" she said playfully to Remus, He laughed and hugged her, she hugged back, they stood like that for a long moment before James coughed and they let go.

"So, do have a good summer, and I'll write. I'll see you." she kissed Remus' cheek, and he went through the Barrier. She turned to James.

"Have a nice summer." she kissed his cheek too.

"You too!" he called after her, slightly dazed, as she vanished through the barrier...

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**A/N: yaah there seems to be a lack of reveiws... grr. I'm so not updating until i get to sixteen reveiws! mua ha ha ha ha!**


	10. Sixth Year: By the lake

**DISCALIMER: ((see ch 1))

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Chapter 10 - Sixth Year: By the lake 2 **

Lily sat up next to Remus resting her back against the tree and staring dreamily at the lake. It was early November and quite cold. Remus wrapped an arm around her just as a cold wind whipped her fiery hair across her face. She lifted her hair away softly and looked over at Remus. He looked so different, so sad. His face looked fallen and pale and a bit more sickly than usual.

"What's wrong" lily questioned him wrapping her arms around him gently.

"Just thinking." He looked over at her- staring deeply into his face.

"'Bout what?" he looked at her eyes but quickly adverted his gaze. "You can tell me." he took a deep sigh.

"You," he answered as her face fell, and a sadness swept across the silence. "And about how I wish I could love you forever."

"You can" she said with a re-assuring smile

"You know I can't" he said looking back at the lake. Her face fell again.

"You can, you just won't" she said defiantly, holding back tears.

"No, I won't." she touched the side of his face with her hand, feeling a lump in her throat at the thought of not having him. "Don't you think it's a bit suspicious that you haven't had a boyfriend in two years?"

"No." she said with such un-caring bluntness that he wondered if she truly believed this would work forever.

"Well, other people will, and they'll raise their suspicions." he prompted.

"Let them have them." she said defiantly

"I most certainly will not." he said so plainly it hurt her. "You know we can't go on forever. I'm not meant to have someone in my life."

"How can you say that?"

"How can you be so blind?" these were the words that caused her tears to fall. "I'm sorry" he whispered hanging his head.

"Why not Remus, why can't it work? And don't say anything about lycanthropy."her voice started getting louder. "You know we could make it, _we are right now_. We could just run away together after school's over. Never see anybody again -_not James_- not_ anyone_. We couldlive happily ever after..."

"What about during the full moon, lily? What am I supposed to do? What about a job, lily? We can't just live off nothing, and It's nearly impossible for anyone like- me- to get a job." She sat in a stupor of silence.

"So you're saying we should break it off now then?" she asked, letting more tears stain her windswept face.

"No," he said wiping her tears away. "And I never said I didn't love you. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, Lily Evans" She smile at him. "I just know I can't give you the happy ending you deserve-"

"Yes you can. My happy ending is _with you_" she pleaded.

"No, it's not. You aren't meant for me - no one is." he stared off in the distance looking older than usual, after a moment he continued on. "James, you know."

"- I know-" she interrupted quietly and rudely.

"-you are meant for someone like him." he continued ignoring her. "He's even changed for you and I know you've noticed-"

"-I have-"

"Maybe you were meant for him?"

"Maybe I was- but what about you?"

"I'd be so much happier knowing you were safe with him than un-safe with me"

"I guess, and you're point is-?"

"I'd be happy knowing that you were safe."

"-and?"

"With James, a person I know loves you, and would do anything for you"

"You want me to end up with James?" she asked skeptically "- I'd rather die with you than end up with James..."

"I could never have that!"

"At least I'd know I had you-"

"You can still have me."

"What do you mean? Be un-faithful-?"

"No, I mean- until you end up with James."

"And exactly how far away is that?" she added hopefully noting it was as far away as possible.

"Before he gives up on you-"

"_And how far away is that?_"

"Well, He claims, that he's already given up, but I find that his quietness and new found maturity, is just a way for him to make you realize that he's not a jerk-"

"- so never?"

"No. But maybe you should just tell him... something-_ anything_- for him to realize that you like him- even if it just is as a friend for now?"

"I should?"

"Yes, and be sincere. He really likes you." this conversation was beginning to get too serious for lily.

"Wow, Remus you really love me-" she stated sarcastically "-you're already planning who I'm going to marry!" she laughed. He looked over at her displaying a smug smile playing across his face sincerely. He seemed less pale at that moment. She looked over her shoulder and around the grounds before kissing him softly on the lips.

"I'll talk to him okay?" she said after breaking apart from him. "I don't know If I'll marry him, but I will talk to him- for you..."

He pulled her in for another kiss, one more sweeping than the last, and a bit more playful, but just as sweet ...

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A/N; "tis better than to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" where's that from? anyone know? gah!I did 4 different versions of this chapter, one of which wasn't even like this at ALL in any way. and I'm super sorry It took so long, butI expected more reveiws than just what- 4! geeze... whatever, and I was only kidding about 16- even thoughI do have sixteen total... I'll have another chap up sometime this weekI promise! 


	11. Seventh Year: The end

**DISCALIMER:((see ch1))

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dispte the title this is NOT the end

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Chapter 11: Seventh Year: The End**

Lily made her way down the stairs to the common room as always, and plopping down on the couch next to the figure of a sleeping Remus.

"What're you doing down here?" he asked groggily, not opening his eyes.

"'Dunno," she said leaning on his side. "So... graduation."she said softly holding one of his hands.

"You shouldn't be here." he sat up.

"Why not?" she asked scooting away from him.

"Well, I really don't think James would like you getting to cozy to me."

"Well, _I _think that_ I_ don't care too much." she said defiantly and scooting closer to him

"Lily. Please, stop it." he flopped off the couch onto the floor.

"No, Remus." she said sitting next to him. "I haven't kissed you in so long..." she looked him in the eyes pleadingly "please, I miss your lips. James is a bad kisser."

"No lily." she turned away from him and put her head in her hands.

"Remus, I don't like this. I know I like James, otherwise I'd never had accepted the ring, but I don't want to marry him when I could have you." She looked up at him again. "I miss you so much, even when you're sitting right next to me, because you haven't looked at me in nearly a year, and I haven't kissed you for months, all I ever wanted was you. Why don't you tell me you love me anymore? Do you even?"

"I love you lily. You know that." he stated defensively

"It doesn't feel like it anymore." she said turning away, tears building silently in her eyes. After a moment she stood up, looking into the fire sadly, letting few fall from the many that had gathered in her eyes. Remus stood up stiffly, arguing with his own mind, he grabbed her hand making her look up at him. She was slightly illuminated by the fire and every shadow on her face made her lips stand out against her skin. He couldn't move his eyes from her lips. He longed to kiss her, and the argument of friends was beginning to blur in his mind over the sweet aroma her skin gave off, and the glow of the fire in her hair. He gave in, his consciousness gone. He leaned in so slowly. His eyes shut and he could feel her warmth centimeters away, but her eyes were not closed.

She held her thoughts, but her mind still wandered. All she wanted to do was kiss him, no matter what she felt, she knew she could fall back on James, but what if she could never let go of Remus? As Remus' had, her conscious blurred with the feeling off his soft breathing on her lips. This was what she wanted, just one kiss._ Please_, she begged herself, _Please don't make this harder than it has to be._ But her heart argued stronger than it had to, _but you love him_. She felt the touch of his lips, so simple, so pure, perfection in all its ways.

That kiss grew. For moments it held itself at simple, and for hours it kept itself at wholesome, but soon it was merly a dream to them. The one kiss became many broken in between words.

"Remus." lily gasped quietly breaking out of this kiss, and kissing him again.

"Mmm?" he asked through sealed lips.

"I love you-" she said fast, leaving his lips again and going back passionately.

"I love you too-" He said doing the same.

"I don't- want to be- with James" she said between gasps and quick kisses.

"You have to-" he said wrapping his arms around her.

"No- I mean- I- I-" she stopped kissing him and stepped away. She looked lost now. "Never mind."she kissed him again, holding him tighter. Subconsciously there was a belief in her mind that if she held him tight enough maybe she would never have to let him go.

Still more the kiss grew in passion, and what was left of the subtlety vanished. Lily wished nothing more than to be with Remus, to never have to see James again but she knew that was what was right.

"Please let me run away with you," she said leaving his lips once again.

"Lily." he stated warning-like "No. No- we shouldn't even be doing this."

"If you mean we shouldn't be allowing James to marry someone who loves he best friend, or that we shouldn't be seeing each other secretly?"

Remus sighed deeply and stepped far back from her. "Lily, I think we should definitely end this-"

"No!" she shouted walking quickly toward him and embracing him in a hug "don't Remus please don't do this" she sobbed into his shoulder. He did not hug her back, his breath became slow and painful.

"Lily-"

"Please no.. please!" she begged still sobbing into him. "Please..."

"Lily... we're over." She fell to the floor on her knees face in her hands sobbing. "Remus, please ... I love you..."his face fell from it's solid emotionless stance, that pull some heart strings extremely painfully. He sat in front of her watching her tears fall across her shaking body, still whispering "please Remus, please."

She stopped her sobbing and the tears rolled on silently down her rosy cheeks. "How can you let James do this? Is this worth him? Ruining everything is worth a friend now?" she asked nearly spitting on him.

"James knows too." he said quietly. Her tears stopped her mouth fell open.

"About us?" Remus shook his head, she took a deep relieving breath.

"He knows what I am." Lily looked intent upon his eyes, he stared at his hands witch he writhed upon his knees "He did the unthinkable for me, and for that I owe him my life" lily, clueless and silent, wrapped he arms around her knees letting him continue "James and Sirius and even peter figured it out, They felt so bad, they wanted to help... Anyway they could. When I told them they couldn't I should had known they'd never give up... They- well- they became animagi for me... highly dangerous and illegal, and yet they still did it because they wanted to be kind. When they're around, there's never any constant hurt in my transformations... and they risked Azkaban to do it! They're there while I'm dangerous, if I had ever bitten them..."he shuddered at the thought "I owe them my life, lily... "

After a long moment sat in shock and still silence lily spoke in a quiet and amazed voice. "You do owe them a lot, I guess." the crying had not left her voice and the sound of her pain ripped open Remus' heart. Lily stood up, looking off into the distance beyond the walls in the room. "You owe them your life Remus, but you do not owe him me... so this is the end of this then?" he stood up in front of her.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"No, Remus I understand," she looked up at him, never had she seen such a boy so torn. "I'm going to get some sleep... see you." she hugged him friendly-like, and walked away up the stairs in silence.

Graduation was tomorrow, she would hold her head up high, she would kiss James when everyone threw the hats into the air, and they would ride home together on the train... This was the way it would be and there would be no Remus in her future. Her future was with James. At least she knew that Remus would be okay ...

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**AN;**_ srry bout the delay ! I had a tad bit of Writers block!_


	12. Post Hogwarts: Comitment

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DISCLAIMER: ((see chapters one and two!))

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Chapter 12: Post Hogwarts : Commitment **

Lily sat transfixed at the mirror in front of her. She brushed her hair absentmindedly thinking about what she was about to do. She stood up looking at the dress she looked so perfect in. She just couldn't bring herself to smile.

"You look absolutely stunning" said a quiet familiar voice from the doorway. She knew that voice, she knew it well.

"Thank you Remus, but I don't think you should be here..." she said softly looking at her feet. He made his way over to her and lifted up her head so she looked at him. He had grown so much since she last saw him. His face had grown more handsome but he was still sad and sickly looking.

"Smile. This is your big day." he smiled sweetly.

"I can't."she said looking away from him fiercely.

"You can and you will." he said picking up her veil from a small table and fixing some of the folds.

"I will when you leave." she said defiantly, his face fell, but he quickly plastered another smile on.

"Lily, please don't be like this." he pleaded.

She bit her lip with her words "I'm sorry Remus." her eyes filled with tears that she refused to let fall.

"C'mere" he said embracing her in a hug and Squeezing her tightly.

"Thank you." she said letting him go. "I do feel better."

She smiled at him brightly. He placed the veil carefully on her head. And upon steeping back to examine the effect he stated "I thought angels had halos, not crowns..." she laughed. He looked at his watch. "So, in twenty minutes you'll be Mrs. James Anthony Potter..." she smiled even bigger. "Mrs. Lily Potter... that does fit you. Got any kids names in mind?" she hit him playfully on the shoulder.

"Go away! You git.!" she teased, he laughed. But she looked sullen once again. "Remus?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah?" he saw her face and wiped his smile from his.

"I've got no one to walk with me- To give me away at the ceremony... w-would you please? ...Walk with me? " He smiled again playfully.

"Of course I would lily." she hugged him again.

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Remus sat at a small table near the back of the hall watching James dance with her. She moved so gracefully with her eyes closed, he thought to himself. She had rested her head on her shoulder smiling softly, James' chin against her hair. They looked so happy and perfect, but the song ended and they stepped away. All the people chose that moment to congratulate them. Remus stayed put, but Sirius sat next to him.

"Hey mate! You've been odd since graduation! You should do some dancing. Come on!" he pulled Remus off his seat. "I heard Nyphs' got a crush on you mate, go dance with her-"

"N-no I think I'd-" He found himself face to face with a beat red Nyphadora, and sirius no where in sight.

"Hello R-Remus!" she studdered.

"Erm- would you like to dance, I guess." she nodded. He took her and put an arm around her waist but did not hold her close. "Erm- so... they look happy, huh?" he asked uncomfortably. She nodded feverishly. The rest of the dance was spent in silence. When the song ended Remus nodded and smiled goodbye to Nyphadora and found himself next to the happy couple themselfs.

"Well, mate I never seen you with a girl before." James stated happily. Remus blushed furiously. There was an excuse for his blushing, but lily had to hide hers.

Another song came on, another slow one, _they all seemed to be slow today_ Remus thought. Before Nyphs came into sight again he asked "James may I have a dance with your blushing bride?" he nodded and walked off with Sirius. Lily suppressed a small giggle at the unnoticed joke.

"Er- Remus, I think I should get some punch-" Lily said avoiding his eyes when he came closer to her.

"What? You don't want to dance with me?" he accused her playfully.

"Well- I- er- alright." He moved in on her, holding one hand, and slipping the other around her waist. She felt weak again, like she hadn't felt in so many years.

"Remus," lily said resting her head on his shoulder "You're a good dancer." he gave a small laugh. She closed her eyes listing to him breathe. The song ended moments later, she stepped away. Remus looked down on her, she was considerably short compared to him, as he had to lean down a tad to kiss her on the forehead. She closed her eyes and hugged him.

"Remus, I don't think I've ever seen you act like this," she said upon letting him go "You're so happy. It's a tad bit unsettling. Are you okay?" At this point the chicken dance started playing, lily and Remus shuffled to the back of the large room, Avoiding the children that ran up to the dance floor.

"Yeah It's just, you know if you're going to live in a world where everyone's down, there's gotta be one thing to brighten your day. And if you don't have that then maybe you should be a tad bit more optimistic" he laughed.

Lily walked back to James, who kissed her on the cheek in greeting. He really was so kind to her, she did love him. She looked over her shoulder at Remus sitting at his table, She loved him so much more, but it would never show...

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**A/N:** sigh this story is starting to get to me. but! let us thank our loverly reveiwers because their kindness keeps me going... and i hope YOU are going to reveiw the chapter... right?

**Mrs.Poynter and Mrs.Judd** as always you guys are the best! you know that right? lol. thank you and yes, lily has to still not like jamsie so much, it's just part of the story. sorry bout what happened to your computer! i know what it's like to loose multiple chapters! just don't give up!  
**RainFallFarie** yeah, I'm a sucker for tradgedy... thanks for the reveiw.  
**IrishKiwi357** REALLY? the best! cries ...sorry pms you know. lol. hug i like you you're nice. lol  
**aBLONDERhErMiOnE** thanks for the reveiw.  
**Pickledishkiller** thank you.!  
**GSCer** thank you!


	13. Post Hogwarts: Bad News

**Chapter 13: Post School: Bad news**

A young man stood out side the door of a small quaint cottage in Godric's Hollow, holding his cloak tightly to his chest against the heavy wind and rain of a late summer storm . He took a steadying breath and rang the bell. A voice from inside laughed and the door opened.

"Remus!" lily shouted pulling him inside and enveloping him in a hug. "How've you been we haven't heard from you in a while!" she took his cloak and closed the door. James walked into the room carrying a bundle of blankets. A Black Shaggy Dog bounded between his legs nearly knocking him over and pouncing on Remus. "Big bloody dog." James muttered steadying himself and fixing the bundle.

"Remus! Mate! Should've told us you were stopping in!"

"James! Will you put him to bed! For goodness sake!" James exited the room, and lily and Sirius escorted him to the kitchen. James a moment later bundle-free. He began putting dishes on the table, Sirius and Remus helped.

"Dinner" lily said placing a finely cooked chicken on the table.

"You are a wonderful cook darling" James said kissing her on the cheek while pulling out her chair for her.

"Well, tuck in" lily said eyeing James in a teasing way. They commenced a fine dinner, bet Remus did not eat much. They chatted on and on and he could only watch with a lump in his throat that steadily rose. Finally they fell a bit silent and he decided he could hold this in no longer...

"There is something" Remus said looking purposefully at the lap across the room "Er-" his twisted his hands in his lap. "There- erm... there is some news," he continued quietly "that Dumbledore wishes you to know... " the room was silent as Remus told them of the prophecy, and the precautions to be taken in time. The silence was deafening in Remus' ears as he finished. He looked up at them all again, Sirius' mouth hang open and James' stared through the wall into the room he assumed was harry's, and lily had her hand over her mouth silent tears streaming down her face. He stood up.

"I have to be going." James nodded, lily closed her eyes and Sirius blinked. He walked down the hallway, taking his cloak and walking out the door, closing it carefully.

He was half way down the path when lily ran up to him from behind.

"Remus..." she called through the rain. He turned around slowly, to face a mangle of soft red hair hugging him tightly, and sobbing. She held him for a while before moving her lips to his ear to whisper to him; "I love you." he held her back and looked him in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's not a bad thing you know that right?" he asked quietly rain dripping across both of their faces. She leaned into his ear whispering again. "You have no idea what I know..." she stepped back looking him in the eyes. "This will be the last time I ever see you." she said tears falling slowly down her face mixed with rain droplets.

"You don't know that." he said flatly. she shook her head "yes, Remus I do." she looked behind her at the house quickly, before kissing him, one last time.

He watched at she ran back into the house, her hair whipping behind her in the dark ...

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_**A/N:** this is not the end i repeat this is **NOT THE END.** there is one more chapter to go yes, just one, but well, i think I only got one reveiw for the last chappy, so i give up... no j/k that's not why, it just had to end eventually.. but I have a new story coming out soon! I'm not sure what I'll name it next but whatever..._


	14. Epilouge: Happy Halloween

**D I S C L A I M E R

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Chapter 14: Epilogue: Happy Halloween

The young man found himself outside on this particular day. The world was completely gray, but through the overcast in the sky spouts of light shined on the areas a distance away, over the homes of people who knew nothing at the moment. The trees around the lot were bare and dark in contrast with the sky making it seem so dark even though it was just past noon, but the air was right; cold with a sad breeze that constantly made the ashes on the ground leap into the air and carried the smell of the smoke down the street, that of course was what brought the man here, and to his knees.

_It is not good to love someone. _

It's far too painful.

Everything you do, to save them, to protect them, ends up being the thing that kills them, and breaks their heart.

I had nothing that deserved her love, and yet she loved me. More than him, until there was the boy. And that was good. Because she had nearly forgotten me. But, no, She'd never forget me.

Why wouldn't she forget me?

I could have forgotten her, then when she was gone, I could forget for good.

But no,

I just had to love her back...

Across the strewn ashes, a cry broke the silence of his thoughts. A beautiful cry...

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The End.

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**Next fic; _" Lies, love, and a Little Magic"- _lily/james;** What would lily do to get out of a life that didn't suit her? and what kind of lie keeps James away, and yet brings him that much closer? a little magic, alot of drama, and a _big Fat lie_... 

**LLaaLM.  
Lamour,  
steph**


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